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Two heartbeats

Two heartbeats

How a miscarriage brought me closer to Allah, my spouse and my baby

By Umm Mus’ab

Bangalore, India

I hurried to open the file, my heart beating so fast, I was breathless until I spotted ‘positive’ on the reports sheet and jumped in joy. I was actually going to be a mother! Allah was going to entrust me with a new life. I was going to be a lovely mother just like my mum, in sha Allah.

My first scan was an absolutely lovely experience. I heard the heartbeat of the baby, and I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt before. The very same night I had some complications, which made us rush to the hospital. The doctor and the nurses tried to treat it but nothing worked. So I had to wait for my next set of scans. That’s when they told me that the baby’s heartbeat had stopped and it was a miscarriage.

Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kulli haal. ¹

I just went numb, silent but Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the ability to thank Him.

I didn’t have that thought of, “Oh my God, why me?” But I was just very, very overwhelmed and sad … it was natural for my emotions to gush out.

Alhamdulilah my heart was content and I knew there is khair in this. The same day I was done with the surgery. It all happened so fast, SubhanAllah! But it left me with life long lessons.

There were so many positive outcomes out of that difficulty.

I and my spouse got closer – we got to know each other better and our level of understanding increased. If not for this whole thing I wouldn’t have known how much he cares for me.

During my pregnancy, other than sleeping, my time was spent doing online research on pregnancy, doing religious studies and hifdh or at least listening to the Qur’an, because I had learnt that whatever the mother does affects the baby. So, I wanted to always be indulged in something good.

It made me so conscious of so many bad things I used to do. If I was heading for something bad, immediately it would hit my consciousness that I need to stop because it would affect the baby and that I’m no longer living for myself – I need to be a role model for my baby. It even made me to stop sitting in gatherings where they would gossip. Really, it made me so productive.

Amazingly, I came across this hadith about the time a foetus’ qadr would be written and the soul would be blown.

Verily the creation of each one of you is brought together in his mother’s womb for forty days in the form of a nutfah (a drop), then he becomes an alaqah (clot of blood) for a like period, then a mudghah (morsel of flesh) for a like period, then there is sent to him the angel who blows his soul into him and who is commanded with four matters: to write down his rizq (sustenance), his life span, his actions, and whether he will be happy or unhappy (i.e., whether or not he will enter Paradise). By the One, other than Whom there is no deity, verily one of you performs the actions of the people of Paradise until there is but an arm’s length between him and it, and that which has been written overtakes him, and so he acts with the actions of the people of the Hellfire and thus enters it; and verily one of you performs the actions of the people of the Hellfire, until there is but an arm’s length between him and it, and that which has been written overtakes him and so he acts with the actions of the people of Paradise and thus he enters it.

(Sahih al-Bukhari 3208 and Sahih Muslim 2643 a)

I had time till almost the first trimester, so I didn’t want to miss any chance in asking for the best fate for my child. Tahajjud became a routine for me. It was no more difficult for me to get up for tahajjud and alhamdulilah in this span of time I got more connected to salah.

For quite a while, I  was trying to come out of the incident, when one fine day I came across this beautiful Hadith which says:

By the one whose hand is my soul the miscarried foetus will pull its mother into paradise by its umbilical cord if she patiently awaits reward regarding it.

(Sahih al-Albaanee)

It blew me out of my senses, SubhanAllah! This was the best soother I could ever have got at that point of time. I’m so happy Allah chose me for it. And I can’t wait to meet my child in the afterlife. I always imagine the scene of me being dragged into the unimaginably beautiful gates of jannah by my child, like he longed to hold the hand of his mother and drag her to the beautiful palace and estates made for  both of them to spend an eternal life together.

I’m writing this to all the sisters out there who have had a miscarriage – firstly, I hope the hadith gave you hope and secondly there is nothing bad in that which happened. It was for the khair and just imagine yourself in that fabulous eternal life with your baby. So what if your child was taken away in this temporary world, he or she has been promised to drag you to jannah. Isn’t it worth it?

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