By Aysha Abrar
Women are one of the most beautiful creations of Allah. Allah has created the woman in a way that she is sensitive, emotional, and also mentally strong at the same time. He has instilled love and mercy in her for her family, especially her children. However when her daughter enters the teenage years, the relationship between mother and daughter often becomes strained, and this is partially due to all the emotional and hormonal changes that take place during this period.
The changes that a young girl undergoes during her monthly cycles called ‘hayd’ can cause worry and anxiety for her, especially when she experiences them for the first time. Even though she may tend to pull away from her mother, this is the time when she needs her mother the most. For this reason, these are the years during which the mother and daughter’s relationship has the opportunity to form a bond in a special way.
Indeed, this bond is one of the most special and memorable relationships in a woman’s life. But it is also a sensitive one that can become strained when not handled with care. Communication is the key factor to develop and maintain the highs and lows of every relationship. Whether it be the silliest chat or a serious discussion, communication is necessary in every form at every time. It helps shorten generation gaps and eases the difficulty caused by misunderstandings and arguments.
One of the difficulties commonly faced by daughters and mothers is the lack of open communication and the inability to understand each others’ fears. Mothers fear that their daughters may fall into bad company, neglect to wear the hijab, talk with boys, engage in free mixing, and so on. Daughters fear telling their mothers about free mixing, what their friends do, where they go, and why they are late from school/ college. Their fear can be summed up as, ‘what if she doesn’t understand me’. This fear sometimes develops into insecurity and then rebellion. And this is the main cause of girls going in the wrong direction and mothers facing a tough time teaching their daughters about basic Islamic principles.
To help you with these challenges, here is one technique which can enable the mother and daughter to face their fears and thereby improve their communication and their relationship, in sha Allah.
- Write down your fears (mom and daughter).
- Let your daughter openly express her fears even the silliest ones- Just listen to her.
- Take your time to express your fears as well.
- Match them and see if both of you have similar concerns.
- Talk about your common fears, positively, giving solution to each.
- Write down what you expect from each other to help face your fears.
Tips for success
- Don’t blame each other for past mistakes. Instead calm each other down and forgive.
- Remember everyone is sensitive at some level.
- Face one fear at a time and implement your expectations.
- Keep in mind, it’s not the end of the world if you have misunderstandings. Just give some time to calm down rather than trying to force a solution.
- Before discussing her weaknesses, discuss her strengths. This will help set a positive tone.
- Perform a common interest together ( eg : cooking, or even a part of it…cutting, washing dishes)
- Remember when a mother helps her daughter to face her fear she will be taking one step towards a good deed.
As an example, here are some of the fears that a young girl may have before getting married:
- Is he going to accept me emotionally/ physically/ intellectually?
- Will his parents treat me well?
- Will my shortcomings be an issue?
- Will they understand my fears (new house, new people, leaving my home)?
- Will they make me feel comfortable?
- Will he be there for me when I need him?
Once both of you have written this down, read it out or exchange your answers to carefully study and understand each others thoughts with an open mind and heart. Some points may seem silly to you, but not to her, and vice versa, so just ponder over every concern and try to sort it out in the best possible manner. Of course, every daughter has to obey her mother in the light of Quran and Sunnah and all permissible matters. Still, as a mother it is vital to do your part to nurture this bond into one of the most beautiful and memorable relationships that Allah loves.